


Seven reasons Sirius should never be underestimated and one reason why Remus shouldn't be either.

by greatdisorder



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Blow Jobs, Crack, I Don't Even Know, Improper use of dairy products, M/M, More reasons why Remus would like to drown Sirius in the lake, Slightly wonky timelines because it was funnier that way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-17
Updated: 2012-10-17
Packaged: 2017-11-16 12:04:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/539221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greatdisorder/pseuds/greatdisorder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The rise and fall of Sirius Black's dairy boycott in eight acts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seven reasons Sirius should never be underestimated and one reason why Remus shouldn't be either.

**Author's Note:**

> Spawned from the prompt of **dairy/cottage cheese** and this is what happens when I have too much time on my hands.

"What _is_ that?" Sirius asked suddenly, leaning over the table and pulling a face at Remus' plate that could put any four year old's best work to shame. 

"It's breakfast, Sirius."

"It's _moving_ on its own. It looks like slimy mold." Remus put his forehead into his palm, shaking his head at his friend while James snickered from somewhere between his elbow and the butter.

"Sirius, it's--"

"Dunno, Pads. I think I like it better than fuzzy mold."

"Yeah, only because fuzzy mold looks like that spot on your mum's chin."

"It's _not_ mold," Remus interjected, giving the both of them exasperated looks. "It's cottage cheese, and much better for you then the liter of syrup you just drowned your pancakes in."

Sirius made another face and poked the white pile on top of the sliced fruit with the end of his fork before Remus slapped it away from his plate. "It's disgusting." He said in a voice that held no room for objection. "It looks like it's gone bad."

"Well, it's curdled cheese. It's--stop looking at me like that. It tastes just fine. I--James!" Any further discussion of Remus' breakfast choice was immediately ended the moment James Potter grabbed a handful of the substance in question and lobbed it at the back of Lucius Malfoy's head with aim only a talented chaser could have pulled off and effectively started the largest food fight in Hogwarts since the Potato Rebellion of 1926. It ended in forty-two consecutive detentions for James and Sirius(after Sirius decided that Severus Snape was a better subject to drown in syrup than his pancakes, nearly suffocating the boy in the thick, sugary liquid), a trip to the infirmary to remove the napkin lodged in Peter's esophagus, and the future banning of anything solid enough to throw from arms reach of the two lead Marauders for the rest of the year.

**II**

"I still think it's disgusting." Sirius said a week later when Remus reached for the cottage cheese, eyeing the substance like it was poisonous. "It looks like Bubotuber Pus."

"Don't be ridiculous. Bubotuber Pus is yellow, not white."

The young Black made a face like something foul was in the back of his throat and a strange sort of gagging noise like he may be sick all over the table any moment, not deterred in the slightest by Remus's unimpressed look. 

"Sirius, stop it. You're being dramatic. Cottage cheese is no different from any other kind of cheese."

"But it's _old_."

"It's all old. They age it."

"They're selling bad food! Do you _realize_ what this could mean? They're _trying_ to make us sick!"

Remus gave Sirius a look that was hard to categorize, a cross between a mother scolding her children and someone that was about to cuff their friend in the side of the head, before sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Sometimes, I wonder if you were dropped on your head when you were a small child."

"It was his face, actually, and he wasn't dropped. I pushed him out of a tree when we were twelve." James threw in, grin stretching wide as he elbowed Sirius in the ribs. Sirius scowled and jabbed him back in retaliation, the bridge of his nose wrinkling.

"Ah. That explains it, then." Sirius opened his mouth, but whether it was to insult or defend himself the other Marauders would never know, because at that moment a flash exploded at the Gryffindor table followed by one of the worse smells imagined--something like bad fish mashed with rotten eggs--but before Remus could begin damage control, Sirius and James had already attacked the Slytherin table with nothing more then forks and rather impressive war cries, taking out an entire row of snickering seventh years in one bounding leap. 

In less then fifteen minutes, Sirius and James increased their detention count from forty-two to eighty-nine, setting the record for most detentions earned in any single semester--a record the two would quadruple the next year shortly after James' sixteenth birthday, but that's another matter entirely.

**III**

"Sirius, what are you doing?" Remus asked approximately two and a half days later as he watched his friend viciously scrawling large print across a wide scroll.

"Boycotting cheese. I'm making a coalition. I need a banner."

"Merlin, Padfoot, its just _dairy_ , not the Ebola virus."

The other boy paused before blinking grey eyes up at the Werewolf. "You think I can combine the two and get more support?"

After a long moment of staring at Sirius like he'd grown another head, Remus could only manage a long sigh before scrubbing a hand over his face. He tried to think of a logical response that might actually break past Sirius' unwavering stubbornness but when none came he turned on his heel and waved a hand dismissively at the other boy. "Sure, Sirius. I'm going to go study."

**IV**

"What are you up to now, Pads?"

"Extending my boycott to cover all dairy product. It's all a big conspiracy and I'm going to put a stop to it."

"...Right."

"I have half of the school in agreement."

"Of course you do."

**V**

Remus never knew it was possible to gain more detentions than school days in one single year, but when Sirius accomplished it after trying to use a milk cannon as a biological agent of war against the Lestrange brothers he supposed he shouldn't put anything past the unruly Gryffindor.

**VI**

The next month, Sirius managed to get the entire Gryffindor table in agreement to ban dairy from their food regiment, putting the kitchens into chaos when Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw slowly followed the their lead.

"This is getting ridiculous, Sirius!" Remus exclaimed, slapping an irritated hand down on the table, his annoyance flaring across his expression as he tried to stare down the smug accomplishment that swamped Sirius' features.

"I'm saving you from polluting yourself with bad food, Moony. You should be _thanking_ me."

With a low growl and a glare, Remus stood from the table and disappeared from the Great Hall, muttering something that sounded close to "Bloody rubbish."

**VII**

Enough was enough, Remus decided, when March came and the milk chocolate disappeared from the kitchens.

A line had been crossed.

**VIII**

The low, pleading whimper was a small victory to Remus' ears as his mouth followed after the slowly melting spoonful of chocolate ice cream, tongue dipping to catch it before it reached the base of Sirius' cock and following the sugary line back up to swirl around the head. Sirius moaned and the sound turned desperate when Remus pulled away, gold eyes darkened and a smirk curling over his lips.

"Do you recant your anti-dairy position?" His lips ghosted over the erection in front of him with each word, breath teasing as Sirius thrashed under him, tugging sharply at the binds that spelled his wrists to the headboard.

Sirius' shoulders slumped in defeat even as his hips jutted out for more contact, gaze clouded and lust bitten as he uttered another whimpering noise. "Fuck, Remus, _please_."

"I'm afraid that's not an answer," The Werewolf replied, another small spoonful of the cold substance left to drop onto the tip of the prick in front of him and make its slow progression downward, pulling a hard shiver from the bound boy.

" _Yes_ ," The Animagus hissed, hips bucking again when Remus' mouth wrapped around him, sucking gently, and the cry that left Sirius was hoarse, pathetic at best. Remus pulled back again much to Sirius' dismay, licking his lips, smirk growing. "Good boy." Except they were far from done.

There was an entire pint left to eat off the other, and Remus intended to get every drop. Though, somehow, he had a feeling Sirius was no where near ready to object to such torture.


End file.
